#196: Forgive myself

It is often said that it is harder to forgive yourself than someone else. I know I'm not perfect (far from it) and can be difficult at times. I've have spent a lot of time this year blaming myself and my foibles for the collapse of my relationship. How could I have been so trusting? How did I not see it coming? Why did I not stop them spending so much time together? Why did I let us drift so far apart? If only I had been nicer, lost weight sooner, wore trendier clothes, was funnier, paid more attention, was less serious, made more friends, laughed at the jokes more, laughed at the jokes harder, worked less, had a more trendy job, had better interests, made more money. If only my family didn't drive people nuts...if only, if only, if only.

I've spent the last year pinpointing my vast short comings and what I did to drive my Ex away. As any reader of this blog can see, I'm quite adept at coming up with lists and in this regard I excelled and surpassed myself with a never ending list of ways I came up short and ruined things. How it was really all my fault. I have an inner, and not very kind, voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm not good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, thin enough, etc for someone to love me, which was silenced (mostly) during the 9 years we were together. Having someone who knew me so well walk away, and with someone else, makes it difficult to believe it's not true; difficult to believe I didn't deserve it and somehow have it coming. That it was my fault. I have spent sleepness nights on the bathroom floor, at the kitchen table, or in bed crying over the myriad of ways I let my love and myself down.

Despite that, I'm learning to forgive myself for my many failings, even as I work hard to make sure I don't repeat my mistakes as I go forward. It takes two to make a relationship work, and a relationship is work sometimes. If only forgiving oneself was as easy as forgiving someone else, I'd be fine. I'm not sure I've entirely cracked this one, but I'm well on my way...